[Contains mentions of suicide.]
I feel fractured. Shut down. There’s probably feelings hiding in the part I’m cut off from, stoked up by the recent appointment, laying things bare and putting words to my dismal reality. But I’m ignoring the bigger elephant in the room, I’m ignoring that I’m suicidal.
It might sound like a rubbish strategy but it’s the best of a bad lot. If I actually give it any time and attention it’ll likely only seem more appealing, make more sense, begin to be logical and inevitable and right. If it pulls me under I know there’s no place to go with it, fighting it is a solo effort; I survive it or I don’t but at least by ignoring it there’s a chance I won’t have to fight it head on at all.
Sounds like avoidance, but the other thing sounds like ruminating. And so the conflict in my head goes, already telling me I’m dealing with this all wrong. Every path is wrong, every step the wrong one, whipping up fear into terror until I can’t do or say or feel or think anything.
This took an unexpected turn, I think I should leave it there.