I got nothing, except an apology for my existence. I try to think of the things to remember in this state, for comfort, but my mind goes blank. I used to feel like there’s a monster living in my head but now I feel more monster than not myself. People say anxiety is like a sign something is wrong, not to be ignored… if that’s right, my major problems are only fixed by not existing, never having existed at all. There’s so much shame built up inside me I feel the dreadful, familiar burning of my cheeks even when I’m alone. I don’t know why I’m writing, I don’t know if it helps or if I’m sharing things people shouldn’t share. But nothing I do, say, think or am will go unquestioned & uncriticised right now so I have absolutely no idea what’s right, what’s ok, what’s me.

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