(Preserving some deleted tweet content bc it may prove useful to hand over to MH professionals in future.)
I wish there was a word, or phrase, to succinctly, medically communicate what happens to me when I speak to people. It’s worse in a formal setting (eg Dr appts) or groups. I am completely & utterly incapable of showing emition, I become still, agreeable. Internally I completely lose control. I can see myself, hear myself, but I don’t choose what I say or how I say it. At all. How ‘bad’ this is depends on who I’m talking to/in front of. It doesn’t matter how much I want to be honest, or show my distress. If I don’t feel safe with the person my autopilot self will lit it’s fucking teeth off. Whilst I watch, knowing it’s counterproductive. And if I had a word for this, a word I could tell MH professionals, Dr’s, they might notice. Work with me on it. Put it on my file. Not only if there no word to convey all this in a concise way, but MH services won’t even take the associated needs into account. I wonder if this is a PTSD thing.
(Helpful stuff others have said in reply to this: ‘dissociation’, ‘learned compliance – an extention of the ‘fawn/freeze’ response to danger. Dissociative – it backgrounds ‘you’ and replaces your outward mode with the learned response, when triggered. PTSD/trauma root.)