Selective Hearing

Why don’t MH professionals… actually, make that Psychiatrists… give a flying fuck about anxiety? I get that it’s a secondary diagnosis (whatever the fuck that means). I presented with depression.. Chronic & Recurrent Depression, and it’s still a massive issue, don’t get me wrong. The eighty billionth medication I tried sorted out my sleep, and as a result I am marginally less depressed, on average. But that space, the difference between severe & moderate depression, has been filled by anxiety. And even when it’s the most debilitating problem, I can barely get psychs to bother with it.

Weirdly, the one psych who did try a few meds for it when it appeared was the one from the Specialist Depression Service. He’s the one who diagnosed me with GAD. And I’m glad he did, it’s accurate. But alongside the GAD, which is relatively new, is the social anxiety. My latest psych positively, actively dismissed me when I mentioned it (waved his hand at me and everything). To this day I don’t have an actual Social Anxiety Disorder dx. I realised not long after my breakdown that this was a much bigger problem than I’d ever thought. It’s something I’ve been negotiating my entire adult life, with avoidance and a lot of suppression and those lovely “safety behaviours” etc etc. I’ve been in services for years, seen maybe a dozen psychiatrists, but none of them give a flying fuck about it.

The more I think about it, the more I wonder if this is my biggest, most enduring, most disabling problem. My self worth is.. it genuinely couldn’t be lower. I’m sure that’s what feeds it. I’ve done all this unpacking & tracing back & pinning down, with just the help of M. Two years ago I could never have described the issues so clearly. But I’m sat staring at all this unpacked shit, now aware of the voice (not an actual voice, more disembodied ideas, like someone else’s thoughts implanted firmly in the back of my mind, behind my usual thoughts) that tells me frequently & loudly how fucking awful I am… and I haven’t the faintest idea where to start with it all. I just wish it wasn’t so routinely ignored.

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